I remember a long ago friend speaking about initiation as walking through the fire till all the soft bits are burnt off. The purification of a habit or belief- of some outworn yet still clinging lived pattern- this process to become more conscious can feel like that fire. Though I’d like to keep some of the ‘soft bits’ in the wake of it. LOL
For me, this walk has meant holding the paradoxes within myself- feminine/masculine, dependent/independent, ugly/beautiful, spiritual/physical, love/hate, judgemental/non-judgemental…. And giving them space to be. Holding them both. To show me where I am on the line between, and where I could go.
Healing, I believe brings one to a threshold, a place where initiation to a new state of being can take place. Back in January 2010, I was lying on the step in front of this threshold. Literally, lying down on a step at Good Life Fitness of all places. Just waiting for a group exercise class to start. And suddenly I’m looking up into the eyes of a modern day Joan of Arc-burning eyes filled with visions- “You’re going to be going through an initiation.”
I glibly replied that this sounded great.
Seriously, this can’t be happening to me at Good Life Fitness?! I signed a contract to just change my physical body….didn’t I ?
Joking aside, at the time the words did ring true to me, and I have total respect for the messenger. We since have participated together in Native healing sweats. (In time I ‘ll back track to experiences of Native shamanic healing).
Since last January I’ve come now to believe that writing is my initiation. I feel like it is activating an aspect of myself that I have not lived out yet. So I am in the fire, or perhaps the ocean. Nebulous again.
The gain of a greater sense of who I am- the synergy created from a reconnection to my self- at a higher level with a greater internal balance is worth the ride.